Sorry guys. Just now suddenly black face for awhile. I'm ok le. Everytime I think unlogically first then become logical. No idea why I so upset. Anyway over le. It really ended. Serious. As long as my friend is happy, its ok already.

As usual, miss xiao tong alot in school. haha.

Today was so tired that only when I reach interchange that I wake up. First time like that. Show how tired I was. haha.

In love with yt's cap. Look so kido when I wear. lolz. Hmm.. dunno wat to write liao le... singlish come out liao. too tired... think gonna nap awhile since I can sleep late today and wake up abit later tomorrow.

i know how good a friend u are to me. thanks alot. and friends we remain. =P

Hmm... 11:30pm only. Trying to stay up late to tune back my time. If not everytime very early then tired liao. Cannot lah. How to survive in poly like that...

First thing I reach home, go find my xiao tong and hug. Just got the urge to hug him. haha.

School was alright I guess. But abit tiring and still moodless. Just get tired easily today. No idea why. Even ate alot. PLus just now almost vomit.

Walked home in the rain. Love it...

And initial D going to have part two!!! So happy. Hope it will be a better show!

I'm trying...

thanks

Hmmm... I actually felt much better now. Like I had put down a large and heavy stone. Relieved and feeling much more like myself. If you all hadn't notice, hadnt been myself lately. But then getting over it. Soon...

Thanks guys for listening and accompanying me.

Really must thanks my friend alot for listening and really is pour everything out. Felt so much lighter now.

Thanks tong for accompanying me after school today...

Thanks my sista, yt and cl for being siao like they always are... haha. meant as a compliment k?

Ya.. just wanna thanks you guys...

Anyway today during class my lec say my black skirt is too short for interview, but then thats the longest skirt that I have. lolz. What to do, I'm a short skirt ger. The IS class ended at nearly 11am. Went to find Mr Chan but he's not there. Then went to atrium to meet tong to go town. At first was at heeren then took a bus down to PS.

Had lunch, walked around and ended up at the machine.. Caught a POOH BEAR!!!!!!!!! Wanna take a look at the bear, go to my friendster. He's named as xiao tong after the guy who caught him. haha. Carried it home with me.

No idea how to say this, but somehow, really felt like I let go of something really heavy.

Later gonna do my work already... Wasted too much time feeling moodless.. haha *smile*

i really really wanna tell u all that happened
but u never give me a chance
i know u're tired
i know u're busy
but somehow u r the only one that will understand
no matter who i tell them to
it will still be you who will only really get it

coze i lied again..
maybe i just canot survive...

24 June

Ok, should write something about yesterday at least...

First of all.. I like to announce that I got the second last row of seat to watch Initial D. Was so happy because the tickets are selling like hotcakes. Really should give the credits to changde. *hehe* So happy. Doubt my kor managet to get the back rows. lalala. Xin fu de nu ren.

After school yesterday, went to National Library for a briefing for the sysemts used in the building which aid in the operation. End up the person who brief us is from BEM, our senior. Got quite abit of information which I used to type out the report later at night. Yeah, finished it at 3am this morning.

So anyway, after that went to Bugis to walk abit with tong and vincent. On the train, saw lay sah and step called, wanting to cancel the dinner. Quite sad but then, it's ok I guess. At the end went to dinner and moive with my beloved ah tong. haha. First time watch moive with me no sick le. lala. Spell broken.

Had Seafood Platter for Two at Fish & Co. Super full. Lots of prawns, chips and sotong. Checked my phone and found that my secondary school people are looking for me. Ignored them. My battery is going to die so I off it to silent mode and also off the vibration. Nevin smsed to ask me to accompany him for dinner so tong and me went down to Mac to find him. End up the three of us rotted around till 9:20pm when tong and me enter the cinema.

The moive was damn amazing. Was so high from it that I was basically jumping my way home. Reached home, do my IBT report which was completed at 3am. Ages since I stayed up so late.

And then while packing my table to go to bed, I saw this cockroach in my living room. Almost screamed. Wanted to wake my dad up but the room is locked.

O ya, did I mention that both nevin and tong gang up against me? *BLEAH*!!!!!!!

Thats all for now I guess... tests coming soon, cannot slack le....

It's like 3:10am now.. Just finished my IBT report!!!!! So happy.

Shall update more tomorrow. Need to sleep. Promised two people that I going to sleep once I finish the report... lalala...

IS day...

Today is the 2nd last lesson for Image. Gonna miss it alot. Next half of the sem cannot go play pool like this half coze jimmy in the afternoon IS then we decided cannot just lene and me go play. Like no security like that.

Learnt make-up today and also had to wear formal today. Someone actually mistook me as a working person!!! Anyway, after class which ended at around 11:20am, went to rot around and then went Jurong East for lunch and pool till 3:15 and went for our show, 'Mr and Mrs Smith'. The show super duper L-A-M-E!!!!! But the actions scenes all damn cool and 'chio'. Love really overcomes everything? Thats like what the moive is trying to say. lolz.

During the pool session today, everyone not up to our own standard meaning damn low coze our standard already not high. But somehow, still manage to shoot in some balls continously. PLUS, for two shot I had to sit on the side of the table because I'm too short. haha. And it WENT IN!!!! And mind you, I'm wearing a skirt today. Actually wanna play with heels but it turns out I became too tall. lolz. So played bare-footed. Damn funny.

Somehow, in the middle of playing pool, I got mood swing. Never smile. As in really smile. Just enough to entertain them.

Came back to boonlay, went jp to walk around and buy some stuffs and went home. In front of the mrt, this guy stop me for a survey, saying I look like I'm working. Chatted awhile, think he trying to promote saving scheme or something. Then he say talk to me will vomit blood. lolz. Quite cute. But hey, talk to me vomit blood better than talk to one who wont give you attention right?

Overall today not bad. Never lost as much blood as yesterday. But I'm broke. Spending and spending like no people business...

Budget le... I hope. Just cant control myself and spend...

Miss pool....

Weird day...

Something super duper weird happened today...

Early in the morning, saw zhanke and the rest on the same bus with me. When going home, saw zhanke and nevin again and we took the SAME bus home together. How weird is this. I mean, how often do this happened to any of you? Saw the same people and took the same bus go school and back to home? SUPER duper rare. Till we entered Ngee Ann till now, it only happened this ONCE! Then nevin was saying it's fate. lolz. More weird looking to me...

Though it's only 9:39pm now but it felt like 12midnight to me...

During CPM together was really opening my big ears to listen to Mr Tan because if you dont, you wont know how to do the exercise. Thats what happened last monday. Lost track.

After that met cl they all to do the report. Had lunch at SIM which cl insisted on. haha.

During FEN and IEQ lectuers, all of us are trying hard not to fall asleep.

Just super tired today and my leg turned jelly lots of time. Guess till to my period.

Tomorrow had to wear formal to school, including HEELS. O my.. First time wear heels to play pool then.. haha.

Weird day...

Fri cum Sat...

Argh.. stupid IEQ report.. Maybe too long no write reports then abit lost of what to do with it. Last time keep writing so like anytime can write. Next week then think again. Shall let them think also. Group report ma... Me wanna rest. lala. hehe.

Let's see.. On friday went to expo with them for their BIT report. The only interesting and fun part during the outing is the handphones!!!!! Saw lots of High-tech phones and also saw my ex-boss from Intercall (the one who still owe me my pay!). Was so shocked to see him there that I shouted 'ghost ar!!!!'. lolz. Damn funny. When I told my mum and grandma about it later at night, we all ended up laughing. haha.

We finished seeing the fair quite fast, at around 3plus. Instead of waiting for the bus to take us back to school, yingtao, vin, cl, tong and me decided to take the train instead. And white walking towards the MRT Station, saw this Coke Cola Vending Machine which sells this cute little sliver coffee bottle which costed $1.80! But it's so cute and I never saw before, so they started to collect their coins and bought me that bottle aka 'ai xin' coffee bottle. THANKS GUYS! Love ya!

On the train tong, yt and me deicded to go to Bugis since it's like really too early to go home. Not used to it. The train ride was one of the most fun ride I ever had. lolz. Damn crazy loh they all. But really fun. Laughed till stomach pain.

First thing when we reach, draw money!!!! Then went to take neoprint. After which yt went off for work and then we shopped around abit... Shopped till leg pain then went to the bubble tea shop and had our 'ai xin' bubble tea. Wanna take a look at our drink can go to our friendster. lolz. *promoting bubble tea here* The pearl that day was damn nice, with a hint of honey in it.

Rotted around for awhile and then went home.

Today, went to bought my shirt for the IS on tuesday. Shopped around, walked around and had Han's for dinner. Love it!!! The taste forever never change. Legs abit tired from the walking.

Hopefully I no need to go out tomorrow. Just wanna rest at home and finish up my work. Got notes to write.. tutorials to complete.. schedules to confrim (ya.. busy week).. that's about it. And I need my SLEEP!!!!

If I know another person who is born on 21st June, I'm going to kill that person.. lolz...

Thinking..

Hmm.. don't know what I feeling now. Nothing? But thats weird right? Today my heart missed a beat but other than that, nothing more. Super weird. But I guess I'm just feeling weird.. But somehow.. today.. memories just came back. I know I can walk away but somehow, some part of me is still there, at that spot, where I feel the safest.

Now, I like the bus ride more and more. Esp when I take myself. Either I'm sleeping or I will be just spending time with myself. Thinking about things I want to, letting everything down, just be myself. Looking at the road I took for the past year and will continue to for almost another two years, thinking about things that happened.

Today, surpisingly, there's nothing on my mind. I had let it go? Or had I just simply refuse to acknowledge? If I'm who I was during the holidays, I would have just got down the bus and took another bus or something. I mean, why torture myself? But ya, I'm broke so maybe it explained why I never take a cab to school today. lolz.

Reading back some stuffs, I know, deep down, where I want to be. Tong always say I no life. But then, this is almost the life I want. Doing whatever I want because I'm free. Not like my friends who are tied down by commitments and then always not free. Maybe it's the commitments that make them 'have life'. But to me, commitments is impossible. Really. I have no idea why. I get bored easily no matter how much I like the thing I'm doing. The moment I going to start getting serious, I will go away. Quizes I did say that too. I fear commitments. I just don't know why.

Don't know where that came from.

Anyway had a pack time-table for these two weeks and going really broke like hell. Serious. Been ages since I'm so broke.

Suddenly just get so piss off. Dont ask me why. Maybe I'm pms-ing. And I hate everyone! Just like wanna kill myself coze life just seems so UNBEARABLE now. I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm fine one second and the next I get piss off just because I don't get the thing I want and other people did. Just feel like shouting. Do I mean that little to everyone? Till the point that it's ok that I don't get the things I want? As long as I'm there when they want me to.

Mix Feelings..

Somehow or rather.. today.. I ended up organizing a class dinner for my Secondary School class. How's that? lolz.

Actually suppose to be a small gathering for our gang, but end up, asking the class. Hope people turn out and it will be a nice and wonderful one.

Spent my three hours with chee hoou. Actually say wanna study, but half the time I'm calling people, organizing the gathering etc. But it was fun! Didnt know that organizing event can be so fun!!!

Anyway kinda tired now. Gonna wake up by 6 tomorrow and reach school by 7:30am. How tiring is that? PLUS, having skin clinic appointment tomorrow at 1:45pm. AND, there's the presentation tomorrow.

PLUS, got to confrim those who's coming and then check seoul garden whether need to book tables or not. Dont wanna go there and end up no tables right?

Hmm... miss my secondary school friends. Then meeting li ping for lunch on 30june, her last paper. 24th is the last paper for those in JJ.

lalalalala.. Suddenly I feel happy?

But then yesterday night was piss off. Because three hours break then they all do what they want no ask me. Argh. Luckily Chee Hoou is willing to come down to pei wo for awhile. Then nevin told me, now can see who is your true friend le... Then I count and count.. who really my true friend le? hmm.... Or my 'true friends' all very busy de?? Next tuesday is book again by charlene.. Gonna watch Mr and Mrs Smith and play pool!!!!

GOT GF BIG DEAL LAH? no need care abt me liao loh.. watever.. u know sth? just dun wanna loss u this friend.. just remember that

Having a headache now...

Anyway, update about yesterday.. Went to cut hair and ate at pizza hut when school ended. Had 4 hours to kill before the book prize start. The guy who cut my hair, Ron, was damn gentle but not the girly type. Like the way he washed and cut my hair. Shall go back to find him once a month to trim my hair. =D

Went for lunch and then back to school with vin to find lecs to chit-chat..

The longest 1 hr we ever had..

Went for the thingy, all the lecs there.. chat with them.. talk about cca points.. refreshment.. take our cert.. photo taking... then Mr Thomas Tan sent me home..

Reached home, called nevin, changed and went down to JP to meet him for dinner and to walk abit. Just dont wanna stay home.

And just now, I spent THREE WHOLE HOURS packing my room.. Threw lots of stuffs.. Really alot. Alot till I don't know how to say. 1 SUPER big bag.. Now look lesser stuffs, tidier, cleaner and more like a girl's room..

But the cost of it.. a terrible headache...

Maybe I should bathe and take a nap...

cried.

If.. if no one pei wo through tonight... I really have no idea what I will end up doing. Breaking down to bits totally. Cried the whole night. Been years since I cried so much. All because of EG2. I didnt get the approval.

Maybe I should have just followed my heart and went to ECE one year ago. Maybe I shouldnt even be in Ngee Ann. Maybe its just meant to be like this? For my whole life I'm not to get what I want ever.

Really feel like die-ing. Never once I get to choose what I want and get it. As in those I really really want.

Last time. Everyone care so much. But now. No one cares. So alone. No one understand. I might as well don't exist in the world. I'm tired. Tired of always forcing myself to believe that I will be fine and ok in the end when deep down I know it's not possible. Always, I tell myself, it's ok, it's ok, it will be over soon, I can live through it. But now, I know I can't.

Really wanna throw all the things on the table to the floor. Just want to vent it out. No one will care if I'm to die tonight. I lost. Really lost badly. Never felt like this before. I thought I can live with it. I thought I can continue walking myself. But I can't. I cant continue living nor walk this road myself.

So tired. So tired of always giving up what I want. If my mum hadnt stop me from going to JC so badly, this wont had happened. Guys, not that I regret going to poly and knowing you all. But FMB issnt something I really wanted. Yes, we dont always get what we want in life, but for once let me get what I want can? So what if I can get into U now? I don't have maths to back me up in taking engineering courses.

Someone once told me, so what he has a gf, still can have friends what. But now, that line seems so fake... so unreal.. Coze, I'm alone now. So damn alone that it freaks me out. So alone that makes me wonder where is everyone...

I really wanna walk away nicely. But I really cant. I rather die. Nothing is anything now...

Life can sometimes be so worthless...

Another step..

Actually quite abit to update. But for now, there's something I guess I better write down to clear my head abit.

Just now, by chance, asked eunice ng about adding modules to my timetable. And so, I ended up in the course director room just now after lunch. Asked her about it. Wanted to add Engineering Maths 2 and 3A. Something I always had wanted to do but only did this year, today. Because I got A for both my maths, I actually can skip EG1. But if I really can get the approval, was thinking of taking EG1 this sem though I'm 3 weeks late to just revise as I hadn't been touching maths for more than 1 year. It's really something I wanted to do. When I futher study, I wanna study more to the engineering side. Not the business side. Maths will help me ALOT. Since I entered this course, had this regret not choosing one with maths. I drag this thing for 1 year before I finally went to ask about it.

The plus side to this is that IF I cannot cope with this extra module, I can drop it. Coze it's not part of my course. It's sort of an enrichment module. But somehow, I will cope if given the chance. REALLY want this. Really want this maths... If I can't go JC to study Physics, this is the least I can do.

Did I do the right thing? Hope this is not too late and I get what I want. Maybe I'm wrong. I really don't know. Confuse now. Taking another module. But I really really want this. Even after 1 year plus of not touching it. Hadn't loss my passion for it. When I saw that FEN has maths, I'm so happy. Someone tell me?

Screwed up.. again

I don't know. Just hate this feeling.

Maybe I should go out more. Fill up my time. Less time free less time to think less time to worry about anything else.

Don't know.

Cried myself to sleep yesterday night again. Don't ask me why. I rarely cried myself to sleep. Thats the second time. First time was because I had a bad argument with a friend and I got super piss off. But thats how things work... Cried abit got tired and fell asleep...

Sick of all these.. Always trying to make things right. I'm tired. Really tired. Used to be able to just laugh it off. But I don't seems to be able to do that now. I seems to have lost something. That thing that pull me through things all these years. Somehow, I have to find it back soon and fast. I hate all these crazy thoughts in my head.

Somehow, I digged out my old winnie the pool (valentine pooh from Mac last time). Hugged it to sleep yesterday night and since then it hadn't been far from me. Just need some comfort. Anything. Just something to calm myself down...

screwed up..

Fuck.

Tonight sucks.

Both my mum and dad happily went off to buy a desk fan but end up both black face came home with lots of supper. I was already like so full from dinner and still ask me eat. Attitude.

Fuck loh. They know damn well that I'm trying to eat less now meaning no supper, yet they buy so many. You buy you eat yourself lah. Ask me eat for what.

Then don't know what happened, my dad pms again. Argh. Really feel like just shouting at him. Come on loh, how old already? Still pms.

How I wish I can just throw the food on the table and walk out of the house...

Going to Library tomorrow hopefully... Lack of books to read. Monday must play full 1 hour plus of badminton... Get rid of the fats in me.. The thingy about me gotten fatter really got into me... Turning life upside down...

*is it so hard for someone to reply a sms?*

Stress ar...

Didnt realize it's 11:40pm le... So fast. Morning went school as usual till 4pm and then went down to Bugis to buy that Evian 2005 and also jk's present. Thanks tong for taking that 1 Liter Evian 2005 for me!!! It's heavy to me even though it seems light to tong and nevin. Basically I only carry it from the train to KFC and nevin took over... hehe... xin fu de.. =P Love it alot..

Ate dinner at Mac with them and went home. Did the proposal... watch tv...

So no life de... but then... study.. what to do...

Projects coming in.. tutorials coming in.. sleep late.. wake up early.. tired..

waiting to play badminton on monday again. really must cut down weight. felt so self-conscious now.

Two weeks into school only and things got so heavy again. Stress ar...

Moodless..

No mood now.. Dont know why..

Maybe just tired...

Hope so...