This morning (i said morning because i slept at 4), I had this dream of being in some school canteen with lots of NCC guys in their no.4 uniform. teddy, zk, kw was there. teddy was sitting alone, and someone even my mum was there. I ran up to teddy and pull him to see my mum, introducing him to my mum.


miss my teddy too much ba... lolz.


just now, pretty piss with myself, because of the drawings again.... then my bro say never to send me to uni. -_-!!


bad day.

i hate hate hate this kind of helplessness. i hate it. seriously dislike feeling so helpless. like there's nothing i can do to repair it. i dun like to feel as if nothing can make it right. i just hate it.


ever since my sec sch days, i had never ever felt so helpless over tests or exams. even so, there's someone there to make it better... anyway thats besides the point. i had never felt so helpless before... and it make me scare.. another feeling which i wanna keep it far far away...


i rather be sad, be unhappy, upset, but not helpless and scare.. its just too terrible. too soul consuming.


someone take all these feelings away hao ma??


at time like this.... i miss drinking...

Ya, was out for dinner today again. My brother's treat. Not bad. Fish Head Steamboat was the main reason for the trip down for dinner.


Was wearing that blue skirt and for no reason, the wind is like everywhere I go. So ya, the skirt ended up flying around. Now I know whats the main purpose of the second layer is for. lolz. And ya, got nagging from mum about the length of my skirt.


Went to Robinson at Raffles City after dinner and saw Hup Hua working there. It seems like this year, robinson decided to change the dress code to black. When I worked there, it's white and then red for the main sales period. Haiz, how I wish mine was black too. So cool!!!


Came home and had a good scare by the cockroach in my living room!!! Shit. It can fly! Scare the hell out of me. I thought what a insect was that. Had me screaming into my mum's room and staying there till my grandma went out with me. She chases the cockroach while I stand on the sofa. lolz. Ya, I'm scare hit of it. After it got chase into the kitchen, she lost sight of it so we closed the kitchen door and wait for my dad to come home. After he bathe, he spotted the cockroach again. And the battle continues.....


And the winner...


Of course is my dad! haha. Poor cockroach to die in my dad's hand, but who ask it to fly into my house and BULLY me! ha. that will show you, never mess with the guys in my house.


my dad ask me not to be scare of them if not next time my husband scare of insects also how? then i told him my husband will not be scare of insects, if not i wont marry. lolz.


and did i mention before??
i love my garfield...

and the bastard..

*ahem*


I got announcement to make....


Mr Koh Yeow Tong caught a Mega-BIG garfield on 23 Dec 05 at Causeway Point. If the Garfield is to stand, it will be up till my butt/waist. Ya, just to imagine how big it is. And, it takes up one whole seat at the fast food resturant AND cant sleep with me because its just too big.


haha. the announcement is done. hope mr koh is happy now. because I know he's damn proud of himself for catching such a big soft toy. And since now cl is attach, no need to hide my garfield anymore!!!! coze she got her boy boy liao.. no need soft toy... i need my soft toys!! lolz...


think going out eat later again.... hvnt study.. and my eyes got infected again... lalalala... but i'm a happy ger as from yesterday...

Hugging garfield while typing this... I guess I need the comfort and warmt that he (as in garfield) provides. Its so good to have such a big and huggable soft toy! If anyone of you are feeling rich, feel free to buy me a mega big soft toy that is huggable!!! haha


Anyway, went out to meet step and ping today, my secondary school friends. So happy to see them! And today is step's birthday... happy birthday! Hope you enjoy today, I did. Been 2 years? ya, almost there. Though its tiring since I hadnt been out for such a long time, but its fun. Had lunch, walked around, bought a pair of jeans (its so damn cheap! $33 only!!!! under my budget, can get more stuffs le.. thinking of my skirt again), took neoprint and took 174 home.


But then again, there's something that pissed me off today. All because of him. Yes, I know, all of you would be asking me, why cant I let go after so long. If, you know what happened from starting to end, all the details, you might take back your words. But they are for me to know, only.


Today, just when I thought my heart cannot be broken into even smaller pieces, it did. I guess if my heart is really make of glass, it would had became glass powder by now. lolz. Like I say, ask because you want to, and not because of others. Mr Ng, I believed I had told you this before.


He crushed everything that I believe in. He crushed the trust I put on the words he said.


So, guys, please dont say stuffs you all dont mean.


And, please do not think that he's a bad guy, because he's not, he did help me before. Which is why its harder for me now. Dont blame him.. =)


maybe... i should get that skirt... to heal my heart.. lolz.. since i'm in love with it...


i'm hungry...

Fell in love with a long skirtttttt..... how? should I buy? I already have like 4 new skirts.. 1 pink, 1 jeans de from zl shop, 1 dark green from taiwan and 1 green from this fashion... after i bought that skirt from this fashion then i saw that long skirt at the temp store outside. then its like those 2 layers kind. very nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how? maybe after test bring tong go see... see he say what. hehe.


teddy say waste money... -_-!!


but.. i really like... haizzz...


maybe.. just maybe... i should get it? really like!!!!!!!!!!! but then. this yr really spend alot le... lolz.


then ordered a new sofa set today... yuppie! finally.. will have a new sofa set! its L shape, so got more space for my soft toys. haha. must understand, i now have 2 big soft toys! one doggie and one garfield. hehe. =D


now, i lack a new tops and a jeans, and the colection is complete! hehe. my own line of collection. maybe if i nothing better to do, take photos of all my clothes. easier to see next time. wahaha..

I dont know. Confuse? Lost? Maybe somehow everything stopped during then.... How long had it been, I seriously dont know the number of months. It seems so long, but it hadnt even been one year. And I'm already so tired...


I had my share of 'crazy' life for around 1 and a half year. And I guess the happiest too. Happily went to Japan and back, drink till I vomit, happily smiling and laughing from my heart..


No one really knows what happened during that whole time. Only one person did, I guess, other than myself. Even my parents nor my brother know about my 'night life'. Reading back the entries, I smiled, and not cry, coze I was truly happy. So xin fu. Not that I'm not xin fu now, its just different. I just cant bear to delete them.


Maybe I shouldnt had given that night life a chance. It all started from there...

Everything stopped when it ended.

Its just as simple as that.

Till someone can make the clock ticks again.

Waiting for that day.

Now its like what they say, you never know what you have till you lost it. Is it my fault? Maybe... I lost it... Suddenly I realize how happy I was then...

Though today's Christmas Eve, but not a good day. Parents arguing so poor me has no breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lucky my auntie bought some food for me when she comes back. If not I guess I will be straving like don't know what now, PLUS, there's not much frozen food left, only one slice of pizza and fish fillets, not enough to wrap up a meal. And I'm sick of instant noodles since I had been eating them for like 3 or 4 times this week!


On wedesday went down to jurong west to sent my contact lens to service and also to market. My mum told me the shop opens at 11am, but end up is 11:30am. So I went back to the POSB near the market to apply for debit card and then took the bus back to the specs shop and wait for the uncle and then took the bus back to the market again. And finally back home. At least, dinner that night is better. Unlike other nights.


Thurs went for the bookshop's training. Actually nothing much. Just listen for like 1hr 30mins and then pack some stuffs, arrange and went home.


Yesterday was fun! Woke up damn early, at 5:15AM! Wash up and went to the bus to Ngee Ann to meet tong and jas. And then to NYGH. Abit more of briefing and we went to our own counter. I'm with tong while jas is the coordinator. That few hours is really chaos. Things are selling fast, stuffs went out of stock, running off to the next room for books, missing books for customers, long ques etc etc. Lucky tong very fast with his cashiering so got time to help me pack also. lolz. If not I guess I more blur. haha. Primary school de also never so chaos. When it ended, the whole place looked as if we just ended a battle. In some ways, it's really a battle. Most of the customers are really nice parents. Collected our pay, and ate the lunch provided by them. Not nice de. =X But still edible. Waited for tong, then went out with tong, meiyi (or is it li?) and kuan wei (if i not wrong). Fun fun!!! Tong's friend like jas boy boy like that de, quiet quiet, but once lame, dont know how to reply him de. Went to waste money for awhile and then went to Mos for a drink and also to rest our legs. Tired. Then that tong started to talk about those stuffs, made my hairs all STAND! So bad. Lucky I found my sense of security. haha. Dinner at Mac and then train home. Really very fun to go out with them yesterday. Its like after work all went out together to relax and have fun. The feeling very good. And poor me keep getting bullied by tong, as usual. BLEAH! But tong also very good lah hor. But his friend more gentleman! haha.


Hope tomorrow's a better day.

And


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HA! My mum was so shocked when she opens the door and saw the 'broom' in my hands! Those kind stick the paper then wipe the floor de. She asked what did I do wrong today. lolz.


Actually it all started with AE86. Coze yesterday yh passed me the casing she helped me bought then its like quite big so have to find place to put. At first just wanna find a place for the casing which is at the top shelf on the wall. Then the cleaning slowly went to the next layer then the next and the next. When it reaches the table, might as well tidy up everything, so did the other shelves, the tv table, etc etc. Threw away 3 BAGS of rubbish, mainly plastic bags which I collected over the years from shopping, and also stuffs that I just keep 'collecting' them on my table and dont bear to throw away. But today, I did. lolz. Alot of things got threw away. And rearrange where things are being put, and now, my table is so EMPTY! And also, the whole room look alot less messy and cleaner. wahaha. Must take pic later. Everytime I clear my room, I take a pic because I will never know when I can see which a room again. lolz.


Tomorrow cooking dinner again coze thurs working le. Suddenly feel like cooking. See the dishes every night sian le. =X

i really really wanna throw the paper away. i swear if the lec put the things on mel, i would hv thrown the paper away. never. shall draw it away when the paper ends! argh. at least if i can crush the paper, it will make me feel better. then now cannot crush the paper, cannot do anything to that drawing, then like the 'fire' keep growing and growing but cannot come out. will burst soon ba. think on that day i will draw till throw paper throw pencil or whatever. maybe should buy extra pencils go. then can throw. argh.


today its like the first day of the study break only, then i wanna go crazy over that stupid ila paper liao. idiot loh. the exercise so easy then the test will so difficult. f him.


i fear tests and exams. because i will never know when i will reach my limit and just totally breakdown and not recover from there. all because of one mistake, i hv to pay for my whole life?

Still got 2 more trays of cheese sticks waiting to be put into the oven and I'm done!


Surpisingly, I woke up at 9plus this morning and started to bake the cheese stick. My first baking on my own, as in wash myself, bake myself, prepare myself, everything is done by me only. lolz. And its a success. If you like cheese, you would like this, because basically, the whole thing is make of cheese, flour and butter. Best to go with milk.


Guess later have to start revision or at least draw the ILA. I more interested in ILA.

Today, had my first test for this sem. Stress. But still, finished the paper. After which, really is feel so relieved. Even slept peacefully for the first time in ages, even almost fell asleep on the bus.


Actually didnt study much for the test, only read twice? But its like going in and then coming out at the same time. =X But then promised teddy to read through, so I did. haha. I wanted to do well, but really don't have the heart to study. I guess ever since I know him, I had been studying for him, because of him. Esp in poly. But now, there's nothing to study for. Strictly speaking, of course there's something to study for, my future, to meet people and my own standard, but I guess, the drive is not hard enough. Scoring well is to show myself that I can get good marks even without him. But so far, I failed to show myself that. Dont ask me why, but even though I study extra hard for the paper, like for last sem, the results still sucks...


Anyway, yesterday went out to trim my eyebrown and also for dinner, which explain why I never study. lolz.


At last, today, I will be able to sleep early. And most importantly, feel rested. Then next week study and work.


Feel like eating something good. lolz. Nowadays my mouth no taste, till very uncomfortable...

without you, everything i do seems to fail

Having crying spells nowadays... Abit of things, can make me drop a few tears or even more. Like today, when he never give me what I asked for. It just remind me of that day when he wasnt there when I need him. I trust my friends not to do that to me, but he did. I don't know what to say or face him....


Plus today never started out well, forgotten to bring my ezlink out, cant sleep on the bus even though I'm like dead tired, bought the wrong notes to school, cant get the coffee that I want from that stupid machine....


Then reached home, wanna cut hair but the person not free then she also ap, so decided not to go there to cut hair at all. Actually my mum wanna let me go perm my hair, but say and say, they all like my current hair so never do anything to my hair. Then I only tell my mum that actually after perming, 24 hours cannot wash hair then she say me learn this kind of things, then I was like, only telling her, then she say me, so I angry then go sleep. 5 then wake up. lolz.


Haizzz, I was so tempted to do something to my hair, wanna cut it short, perm it, highlight, or whatever shit. Just something! I wanna do something crazy!


Just when I just got back on my legs, you destoryed it again. And now, I have to climb back on my own. Because now I realized, I cannot depend on anyone to help me climb back when I fall down.


Soon, I will be breaking down. Or rather, I had.

i was right all along.

people only wanna deal with smiling people.

Today in school cant even finish half a pear. Actually don't even feel like eating, but had to eat something for the sake of eating. Dont even enjoy the pear, just keep biting only. bleah. Then 1/4 of the pear dropped on the table, then no need to eat le. lolz. I know I must eat, but just don't feel like eating. Then finish the chocolate I bought in the morning.


After almost 6months.... I had the courage to talk to him again. 6 long months..... Hopefully... one day we can talk about everything and anything again. Another 6 months? One year?


The presentation today sucks. Firstly, I never prepare enough. Secondly, I heart issnt even into the project since the start. Thirdly, I just don't feel like doing. Screwed things up.


Tomorrow I saw go and apply for debit card! wahaha.. another card to my collection. lolz. then next time is sign card and not press number liao.. hehe.


miss her old self..

Had mood swing yesterday night. Don't ask me why.


But by the time I went to sleep, I'm already ok.


Today never do much, just rotted and went to JP twice. Once in the afternoon and once in the evening.. I wish everyday can be like this.


Bought a soft toy for lene, tibits, buster weekly cheesecake from coffee bean, lots of stuffs from NTUC, a new PILLOW!!!


Finally, my OWN new pillow! Had always been sleeping pass me down pillows coze always too high and hard. But went to the hush puppy clearance sale and the pillow is just right, soft soft de. love it. $9 onli.


tomolo got crm presentation yet i hvnt prepare for it. =X never mind, will work hard for the next one. from tomolo onwards must go back to normal. =D


then just now did some findings on blood type affecting personality. AB is spilt personality. -_- then scropio also, lost. then AB plus scropio. haiz..... spilt till cannot spilt. lolz. me loh. haha.. pretty interesting. and the guys i'm attracted to are all, or should i say almost all from O. my first bf, kenny, is also O type. so qiao.


never mind.... i did sth i shouldnt did. sorry.


trying to manage my time so i can have more time to go out. hehe... =D

Hadnt been feeling well since yesterday night, then vomitted at night before I went to bed. For no reason vomitted. Then headache till I nap today. Always headache on thurs because of the long day it is. Sian. Anyway now ok le. Came home and had a 2hours nap and a nice dinner.


Just now took the bus home with kai wah aka kel aka my used to be nanny. lolz. Feel so good to talk to him throughout the whole ride, telling him things, listening to him. So long never see him or talk to him le. xie xie. And is also because of the things I heard from him, make me decide to leave Singapore in the near future, as soon as I can for a year or two. I leave everything behind.


Seriously speaking, I wish for him to have endless happiness. But, I just cant be here to see it happen with her. I cannot. I'm not that big hearted. Thats why I need to go away. Its not like I don't want him to be happy, or whatever. Suan le. If those who is reading this, don't understand how it feels like, then forget it. I know it can le.

wonder if he understands what it feels like.

wonder if he still take me as his friend.

if only.

canada? nz? hk? duno.. anywhere will do...